The Avenue Of….The Silent Sufferer

There was an internal debate on whether I wanted to write this and bring out a part of me that I don’t really reveal to people, and in all honesty I am not sure if I still want to, because of my real fear of opening up and the consequences of doing such.

Follow me y’all. This might be a tearjerker for some folk who can relate…….

As I write this, three songs come to mind. Lloyd’s song ‘Tru’, ‘Blurry’ by Puddle Of Mud, and “Somewhere I Belong’ by Linkin Park. Not necessarily for the lyrics, but what they represent to me, and the meaning that those songs have in my life at this point in it. For the last few years I have struggled with a lot internally, and for the longest of time I have for the most part compartmentalized it because of how people have reacted to me opening myself to express how I felt openly about what I have been through. I have been met with advice (some positive, most negative), ridicule, not to mention being called less than a man for feeling how i felt, or chastised for ‘complaining’. I hid those feelings, those strong, emotions away. Why? Well because where I was there was simply no place to express those emotions in positive, and helpful manner so hid them. I could not release my feelings, and for me there was no such place as a safe harbor. I held my emotions inside because revealing them meant being hurt. I had no true outlet for what I had been feeling, enduring, or going through. Writing could only temporarily ease my pain, and even then I had to hold back because of the reprisal (sometimes severe) from people that may say what I was (and currently still am) feeling is a figment of my imagination, and that I would need to ‘man up’. The times I wanted to cry, I had no tears to cry. When you know and understand how people will react to your emotions, you tend to compartmentalize them. In addition, I isolated myself from people because I did not want people to say something disparaging. My depression is real. My PTSD is real. My anxiety is real. And yet not too many people know about what I go through, because of the aforementioned reasons.

The three songs that I mentioned earlier have significant meaning for me. Again, not for the lyrics, but for the meaning they have in my life, and how they’ve helped me to cope with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I still endure and the fear of being open with people. Each song speaks to a specific aspect of my emotional and mental experience in dealing with what I deal with on a daily basis. For me every day is a struggle to make the attempt to open up to the people that care about me, but sometimes that is hard for me to do.

So, why did mention all of that? Why did I did I make myself emotionally vulnerable? Because I am a silent sufferer, and all the pain I have endured in the last few years I have compartmentalized the majority of what I feel from a lot of people, even from the ones I love. This is not on purpose, this has been a developed defense mechanism, mostly a direct response to how people that I thought cared for me reacted to me when I wanted to express myself. I live in constant fear of reprisal, and it is that fear that literally paralyzes me when I try to make an attempt to open up. Why, because I don’t ever want to be ridiculed, talked about, or talked down to because of me feeling the way I feel, or attempting to express how I feel. For me compartmentalization is a far better and safer alternative to being hurt, or ridiculed.

This is the avenue I travel down daily…….

It is a painful avenue…..

It is who I am at this point in my life, but I am trying to be better at not suffering in silence……

The Avenue Of Privilege

This is not a dear America letter……

Because I think and truly believe that we as Black and Brown people are quite tired of penning those
types of letters, because the more we ask for fairness, equality, equity, and humane treatment,
the more it literally falls on deaf ass ears. The more we try to make and take a stand against
the roadblocks that keep us from being look at as human beings, the more roadblocks get
constructed to hinder, or all together halt what progress has been made.

This is NOT a dear America letter……

But on January 6th , 2021, the whole ENTIRE world saw something that we as Black and Brown
people already knew. Something that festers and swoons like a bratty 2 year old wanting
something then throwing a whole damn tantrum when that 2 year old does not get what they
were wanting. Something that we had experienced through years of injustices visited upon us
as Black and Brown people. Something that resembled a very badly dressed wound. On
January 6th 2021, the world saw the privilege of people who did not like the results of an election
(both Presidential and the runoffs in Georgia that turned a traditionally Red state, Blue). The
world saw the privilege of people who wished to change the result of an election, by forcing their
way into a seat of government to not only cause chaos and destruction, but to force a seat of
government to disregard a democratic process.

This is NOT a dear America letter……

But the truth of the matter is this: During the summer when we as Black and Brown people
reacted and protested (in D.C. and in various states as well) not only the continued killings of
my brothers and sisters by law enforcement, but the unfair treatment of my brothers and sisters
in business, corporate America, the continued racism, separatism, and the unjust and improper
punitive measures and sentences this broken justice system hands down to us, they deployed
the National Guard, the state police, riot squads, the whole damn nine. They were ready for a
confrontation, but the protest was peaceful, our message was made clear!!! However, when the
privileged MAGA crowd descended upon D.C., there were no National Guard, no riot squads,
no snipers in sniper nests across the city, just the Capitol Police force. They easily breached the outer perimeter gained easy access to the entrance into the Capital building and advanced on the Senate Chamber, took a few things ,hell, one privileged asshole thought it would be a good idea to sit at Nancy Pelosi’s desk. The end result: 4 people dead, at least dozens injured, in excess of 50 arrest, and 2 pipe bombs recovered. These disgruntled ‘patriots’ (and I use that term very, very loosely to describe them)decided that it was okay to literally bring their grievances in regards to a ‘stolen election’, and we have been logging grievance after grievance after grievance AFTER GRIEVANCE in regard to how we are treated in this nation with no relief, no resolution, no clear cut plan!!! If we were those protesters, we would have never made to the steps, as we would have been all killed,
and/or severely injured, and we would have been described as savages, hooligans,
malcontents, and the like. But these folks were spoken of by the president as being ‘special
people’. Who the fuck says that about people who forced their way into a seat of government to
change an election?

This is NOT a dear America letter….

But the evidence is GLARINGLY clear and we as Black and Brown people have already seen
this, and now the world gets confirmation that Amerikka has a VERY LARGE privilege problem,
and the whole world just witnessed it!!! That’s right, the whole damn world just witnessed a
toddler in our sitting President have a bonafide tantrum.

But hey, I’m just an author from Atlanta, Georgia making an observation, so what the fuck do I
know?

The Avenue Of The Love Letter To Myself

Fred,

What’s up dude? How are you doing? I hope that this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I could not help but notice you are looking a little sadder than usual, and that makes me sad bro. As your innermost you, I dont wish to see us hurt, harmed, or in any danger. I gotta admit though, the last few years have been rough on us. We’ve taken alot and we’ve endured alot. We’ve also sacrificed alot as well. But I am not here to bring any of that to your rememberance, I am here to encourage, help, and push you forward into the next place and/or stage in your life. So I want you to listen very carefully and take heed to the words I am telling you.

First and foremost, please stop thinking so little of yourself!!! You are a wonderful man with amazing qualities. You are kind, loving, giving, caring, thoughtful, and you give everything you have. Stop thinking you are less than!!! There is nothing wrong with being a sensitive person, your sensitivity is you best asset because it allows to be empathetic and sensitive to other people. That’s right dude, you are an empath! Being that way is not a bad thing, but you have to be careful about the energy you take in, because there are some people that want to expel your energy and replace it with theirs, and that is very toxic to us. Negative thoughts about us reinforces the toxic energy and emotions. And while I am on the subject of energy………

Protect your energy!!!! There are people who wish nothing more than to catch you in a vulnerable spot so they can siphon your energy and replace it with whatever they want to replace it with. you are coming into the knowledge of your energy and it’s signature, so be aware of that, and be aware of people and situations that will either take away from that or drain you completely. It’s your energy, defend and protect it.

Next, forgive yourself!!!! You’ve done a lotta damage to people bro, but you have also damaged yourself as well. It’s high time you let all of that shit go bro!!! Yes you have definitely hurt people and people have definitely hurt you, but now its time that all those hurts be transformed into lessons learned. You have asked for forgiveness and people have either forgiven or not forgiven you. But you have never forgiven yourself for the things you have done, or the mistakes you have made. You carry so much of that inside of you and you have never forgiven yourself for those things. Accept those things that happened good, bad, better, worse, or even indifferent, forgive yourself and let it go. Once you forgive yourself you are no longer bound to that mistake or that hurt. Learn the lesson in it and move on. You inner self (me) will thank you for it.

So, there is something I want you to TRULY understand….You do not have to be ashamed of who you are!!! There is nothing wrong with who you are!!! You are uniquely different and you will attract uniquely different people who will love and respect you bro!! And to add to that, you are not a failure, so please stop thinking that you are!!! You are a human being. Just because something does not work out does not designate it as a failure, and it damn sure does not designate you as one either!!! So get that shit outta your system brah!!!

Peace is something that is very important to both the inner person (me) and the outer person (you). Protect it at all cost! You have worked so hard to be at the place you are, and allowing folk to interrupt that will put you in the same place that you just left. You will have to fight keep your peace at all times, so be ready to deal with those folks who want to disrupt and destroy your peace.

Lastly, be UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU!!! There is nothing wrong with being true to who you are. Embrace it.

Well that about sums it up dude. I am liking the direction we are going. Please take heed to what I’ve said and I think that we will be golden.

I love you!!!

Your Inner Fred

The Avenue Of The Love Letter

Kawanza,

Hello son. How are you doing? I hope that that you are on you best behavior with the Most High. It is my hope that this letter finds you in the very best of health and spirits. I wanted to write this letter to you because I wanted you know how I felt because I never got the chance to tell you in life, so……

First and foremost, your daughter is growing up so very fast! She is so very beautiful and intelliegent. Everytime I look at her i am reminded of you and you gentle, easygoing nature. I will make sure that she will know everything about who you are and do everything in my power to protect her and her hopes, dreams, aspirations, and her goals.

There is not a day that I don’t think about you. I miss you terribly. Everyday I look out the window or through the door’s peephole and I hope to see you coming through my front door. I know now that will never happen because you’re gone. I never got the chance to tell you that I love you, that I was proud of the man you were becoming to be. I never got the chance to embrace you. You would be very proud of your brothers and sisters. Your youngest brother Krash is a loving husband and a proud father. He is a very good rapper. You would be proud of him. Your brother Errol is stil Errol, but he has a better head on his shoulders and is making things happen. Erykah is living with her girlfriend and making a life for herself. Your sister Franchesca is a very happily married to a Marine and the are living in Japan. You would most definately approve.

I wanted to apologize for not being there for you when you needed me to be. I never knew that you were going through in VA. I promise you that my father, stepmother, and I made every effort to to get you with us, but the Most High placed you where he saw fit. I was not a the best or even the greatest father to you. You needed me the most and I failed. I tried so very hard to breakthrough. I am not really sure if I succeeded.

It has been a very long, difficult. and extremely hard 5 years. I am VERY angry at the manner in which you were taken from this plane. It has been a hard deal to realize that your passing was part of the Most High’s plan. This plan whatever it was involved a lotta of growth and pain. I had to stop being angry the Most High for taking you, and I had to learn to not be angry with you with making that dumb choice. It still hurts me to know that July 12th was the last day that I physically saw you. July 4th and 12th are much more solemn days for me and the reason why I don’t celebrate either days. I still don’t necessararily relish the idea or thought of you not being here. But it is the Most High’s plan so…..

Your passing has made me a much better man, and a much stronger advocate to create social change. You aunts are very strong supporters in that aspect. Your passing is one of many that largely go unnoticed. Your passing has prompted me to bring those cases that are not on the national headlines radar. Those stories deserve exposure, and they will. There is not a day that passes that I have wished that the Most High had taken me instead of you. I’ve lived my life, and would have gladly exchanged my life for yours if it meant for you to live a full life. Unfortunately, The Most High knew your life line and ultimately your purpose. It hurts like hell, and at times I get angry, and at times I do cry, but when I look at your daughter, I am reminded of the beauty that was created out of a tragedy.

I love you so very much my son, and I miss you so much. Please continue to look down on me and guide me throughout this journey. I understand that this is not ‘goodbye’, it is more likely like ‘see ya later’. I hope when we are reunited we will celebrate. But until then, continue to rest easy son.

With all the love in my heart,

Your Father

The Avenue Of The Weight

As I stand here….

I see all the destruction The pain The hurtThe tears that are shed I am faced with an uncertainty
As I stand here, I see brothers gone too soon. Sons taken away from mothers and fathers, daughters and sons now fatherless. Their life ended by an officer of the law or incarcerated by a beyond fucked up justice system or forever separated by a flawed and unfair family law system.
As I stand here, I try to analyze it all. But in doing that it hurts my heart, and I am reminded of the personal hell I constantly deal with daily
As I stand here, I try to put all this Into a semblance of perspective. But I can’t, because the narrative remains the same no matter the perspective, and the outcome is the same too.
As I stand here, I am beginning to understand that the weight of being a Black Man is indeed heavy. It is a weight that exacts a heavy toll, and it exacts an even heavier price.  Sometimes the lack of support Is overwhelming and sometimes we as black men succumb to the weight because we are also human and vulnerable too.
But the expectation is to carry that weight; To put that load on narrow or broad shoulders And carry it to the end. And at times society adds more weightFor us to carry.
As I stand here, fully aware and cognizant of the burden I and so many brothers bear. I bear this weight so that my brothers dont have to mourn the loss of another son, brother, uncle, cousin, father, grandfather, mother, sister, spouse, or grandmother. So that my sons be better parents to their kids than I EVER was to them, and to always treat the woman in their lives with respect and reverence.  So that they may rise up a recognize that they are Kings, true gods among men who command and demand respect.  So that my daughters realize that they are Queens, and that they should always carry themselves as such.  I bear this weight so that my grandchildren can realize their true potential and live up to itI carry this weightTo protect their dreams, hopes, and aspirations.
Most importantly I bear this weight.

To never forget to learnAnd to heal.

The Avenue Of The Abuser And The Abused

So…..

The reason why I am writing this is not just because it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want to explain a personal parallel that happened with me. A parallel that completely altered the course of my life and changed my thought process.

Follow me. You may be surprised.

The Abuser

Around 15 years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman. The relationship was just a typical relationship that started off wonderful, fizzled, rekindled, and was riding very steady. I felt very comfortable with this person and I wanted things to last forever, as we meshed very well together. That is until……

One night we had got into an argument. About what, I have no idea, but it must have been extremely serious for me to respond the way I responded. How did I respond? By hitting her, and threatening here with a knife, eventually cutting her in the hand with said knife. I was still angry with her during the incident, and it was too much for her to endure. The police were called. And after a brief discussion, I was arrested for spousal battery. My anger dissipated when I was in the police station. I knew that I had messed up bad, and I was immediately remorseful for what I had done. I cried while talking to the officer that interviewed me. I cried from the guilt of what I had done and the fear of what my fate would be. Mostly I cried for being remorseful. It was the first (and last) time that I had EVER brought harm to a woman in anger, and over something that was extremely petty in the grand scheme of it all. The cost was my freedom, the shame of be labeled as someone who hurt a woman, and the ire of people. I had not only let myself down, but I felt that I had disappointed my family.

Abused

Stigmas follow you, and eventually, they become a part of you. Not listening to my friends landed me back in jail for violating my probation and the protection order taken out against me. For while I was afraid to date or get in any serious relationships with women, only limiting myself to sexual encounters, which I felt at the time was a much safer option. I shied away from engaging in any form of long-term entanglements. I felt it was not only for their protection, and mine as well.

It was not until I met this beautiful woman that I began to open myself up and pull my guards down. Everything was beautiful and was flowing along how I had always wanted a relationship to be. It was not until I moved to Washington State with her and her family that everything went to hell in a hand basket. Her kind demeanor turned cold. Her nice words turned very harsh. A far cry from the person I met. It seemed like nothing I did was right, and she was always angry with me. The verbal assaults continued for quite some time, then graduated to physical abuse. From being slapped, to unprovoked verbal and sometimes physical attacks, she tried to smooth it over with sex to try to pacify me. It worked for a while, and I continued to endure the abuse. I had often wondered if this was God’s way of punishing me for what I did to the young lady I hurt. If it was payback then I would have endured till the end (which was a very STUPID assertion back, then). But there was enough of a revelation for me to leave. The question was this: Did I want to leave, or did I still want to be treated like I was nothing? Because that is what I felt like nothing!!! So, one night, I was getting ready for my evening shift at Subway and decided that I was going to leave. Her and the family were gone save for her mother. The bedroom door was closed. I quickly packed all the belongings that belonged to me in a bag, pushed out the screen door, and dropped the bag out on the wet grass. I closed the window and walked out of the door. I quickly grabbed my bag. and walked the opposite way toward the street. It was dark, and it had just finished raining and I had no idea where to go. So, I stopped and closed my eyes and asked God to guide my steps. I was terrified of being caught or found, and I knew that there were going to be serious ramifications if either of those happened, so I quickened my pace. Each car that passed me was a singularly terrifying ordeal, because I felt that she was in one of those cars that continuously passed me. I found myself at a transit transfer station, and it was still open. I paid the fare and boarded the bus. The ride into Seattle was a paranoia filled endeavor that literally gave me a headache. I did not feel safe until I was literally out of the state of Washington. So, I can most definitely relate when it comes to the fear of wanting to leave and the actual act of leaving, add to the fact the experience made me completely paranoid (I kept looking over my shoulder to see if she was there behind me). My arrival in Cali was still one filled with so much paranoia, because I thought that she would come down to San Diego to exact some form of revenge. Fortunately for me, that never manifested (I Was still paranoid for quite some time). In the days and months that followed, I became less edgy, and anxious. A routine started to form. I started feeling confident again. I became less guarded, and protective of myself

Today

The incidents that happened were a very long time ago. Both have left an indelible mark on me. Both have shaped and molded me into who I am today. Both have left scars as deep as the cut I enacted one the first woman. I think about both incidents and I cry sometimes. Because on the one hand, I performed a heinous and unforgivable act, that I had asked the person I hurt for forgiveness, and that the person that hurt me, never asked me to forgive them, and that angered me for quite some time until I realized that I really need to forgive myself first (which I had not done). The moment I forgave myself, a great weight was lifted off my heart. I don’t expect to have any communique with either individual, and that’s cool. I am content with the experience and wholly glad they both happened. Because both incidents taught me a very valuable lesson, and not just about people. I learned an important aspect about myself as well: That the abuser can become the abuse. That I have now become a staunch and unyielding protector. That healing is often a long and painful process, and that even the deepest scars have a hard time healing unless you change how you heal.

The Avenue Of Digging In

For some of us, life throws everything AND the kitchen sink at us, and at times it may be hard to recover from the situations, circumstances and the continuous blows life throws at us. It important that we dig in and stand firm and flatfooted.

Follow me as My Brother Cedric Beaty takes us down this avenue, and offers inspiration.

During WWI Allied forces dug trenches to prepare for any impending enemy attack. During WWII, Allied forces also dug trenches for the same purpose. Although we didn’t dig trenches during Desert Storm, we still had to dig in a prepare for the battle to come. Why am I using military examples here? The answer my friends is simple, wars can be fought on different fronts and varying environments with smaller battles in between. The outcome of these battles can be the difference between victory or defeat. Winning these battles requires digging in and standing firm no matter what the enemy throws at you. Life is similar to a war except there are no bullets buzzing pass your ears and there no “casualties”. A lot of things in this life we live can and will overwhelm us to the breaking point: our past mistakes, our current shortcomings, problems within our families, turmoil at work, the list goes on and on but the one thing that we must learn to do if we are to win any battle (or have any chance of winning) is to dig in and stand firm regardless of what is being thrown our way.

I find myself in a situation where I am being suppressed (for those who are not militarily minded, suppression is the act of constant fire to keep an enemy in an unstable platform so they can’t return fire) by the mistakes of my past and my current shortcomings. These negative feelings and thoughts tend to break down our defenses and make us feel vulnerable, even helpless but it is in moments like these is where we must find the courage to step back out into the line of fire and take the fight to the enemy. So how do we find this courage you may wonder well God is the one to ask for such things and trust me I’m not getting into any religious dogma or Bible thumping but this is honestly where it comes from especially when we can’t find the courage in ourselves. With this in mind, I prepare to dig in. I must if I am to win. I call on God to give me the strength when I have none and courage when I am afraid. I know that the battle is long and hard but if I believe that in God I can do ALL things and DIG IN, I will have the courage; the strength to take the fight to the enemy and win. I know that some of you that are reading this may have situations going on in your lives that you feel like you’ve lost control of or never had control of at all. Trust me when I say this: You CAN WIN!!!! You just have to DIG IN and stand firm no matter what comes. Refuse to be knocked off your spot, don’t be shaken and don’t be afraid when the waves start to swell. You got this and victory is close at hand!!

The Avenue Of Where We Are In America

What I am about to talk about is not an avenue, it is a road. A long, winding road to where the is really no definitive end and in actuality the dialogue that was supposed to pave the way to an alternate road has not really manifested.

Follow me as we travel down this road……

During the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings I heard him say something that struck a nerve with me. He succinctly stated that the proceedings and the charges levied against him were a ‘national disgrace”. I honestly don’t think that Mr. Kavanaugh nor anyone in the House, Senate, nor the President knows what a national disgrace is. I truly believe that they really blew this call. But hey I am just a lowly citizen, as we all are.

So……

The national disgrace is that one person is tried and convicted of a crime (Bill Cosby, a black man), while men like Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., and yes our very own President of the United States (all white males) have not been tried nor convicted, and they enjoy success at some level. Hell, we allowed an admitted sexual assaulter (“Grab ‘em by the pussy” ring a bell?) to obtain our highest office in the country. You find that funny right? Well, I don’t find it funny at all because Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as 114^th SCOTUS Justice despite strong opposition from sexual assault survivors, and the courageous and powerful testimony of Dr. Ford. Not even the ‘Crats and the #MeToo movement was not nearly enough to stymie the confirmation of this man. But yet and still a man such as Bill Cosby whom may (or may not have) committed the same heinous act gets the book thrown at him by just hearsay, and statute of limitations (trust, I believe he is guilty). The standard and rule of law is completely different when it comes to white and black criminals who commit the same crime. If you are white, you are treated like royalty, if you are a person of color you are treated less than a second class citizen.

And……..

The national disgrace is when a black man (Bothem Shem Jean) can be shot and killed IN HIS OWN HOME by a white police officer (Amber Guyger) who apparently forgot where she lived. Not to mention that this officer is free. Fired from the force, but she is free. And the not only was the handling of the case by the Texas Rangers bad, the Dallas police chief (who is black mind you) who promised transparency, and justice did not deliver either. Instead the obtain a search warrant for his home and found a little bit of weed and started a smear campaign. Sound familiar? Well it should. Anytime a person of color is killed by someone by law enforcement, their history is immediately drudged up. This is the most disrespectful thing ever. Most of the people killed by police have the criminal history brought up to give the impression that the victim had violent inhibitions, had a history of violent crimes, or whatever. Not to mention that suspects who happen to be persons of color are treated much worse than their white counterparts. With a white suspect all care is made to bring them in alive, hell even go and get them something to eat (Remember Dylan Roof?). Even the narrative about a white suspect is spun differently. They are maybe considered “a broken young man”, or a “person who has been fighting a mental condition”, or “he was a good person”. Persons of color are normally labeled as “thugs”, “troublemakers”, “disturbed”, violent”, or a “person with a serious anger issue”. Police and mainstream media alike resort to these type of ridiculously vile tactics to villanize the victim, or suspect.

Also…………

The successful, albeit lengthy conviction of Chicago Police officer Jason Van Dyke in the 2014 shooting of Laquan McDonald, along with the conviction of the killers of Jordan Edwards, Walter Scott and others have made a small form of progress. However, these convictions are like a band-aid to the larger wound of law enforcement interaction with people of color. The band aids only cover a small surface area, and does very little to stop any type of bleeding. That will always be an open and deep wound unless improvement is made as to how law enforcement engages and interacts with people of color. There are a lot of police department that get this and understand this, and are truly making strides to change how they interaction with people of color, and there are some that would rather not. Unfortunately, most police office in these type of fatal shootings are rarely tried or convicted. In the case of Tamir Rice’s killer former Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann was hired as a part –time police officer by the city of Bellaire. This is a direct slap in the face of the mother of youngster that had his whole life ahead him. A person whom shot a 12 year old boy with seconds of encountering him. No person that shoots a child in cold blood should EVER deserve a second chance. Even George Zimmerman, the man whom fatally shot Trayvon Martin is walking around signing Skittles. SKITTLES!!! It is amazing how the killers of Alton Sterling, Eric Garner, Sandra Bland, Philando Castille, Freddie Gray, and countless other are able to wake up and go to their jobs, while the aforementioned people will never get to see another sunrise or sunset. They will never people able to go home to their respective families and be able to live the lives they were supposed to live. They will never see another birthday or holiday season. But again these officers whom commit these acts are allowed to go back to work as if nothing happened.

A Question with no clear cut answer……….

Perhaps the burning question is this: Are we better now than where we were? Not really. There is still a race problem here in this country that police, politicians, and ordinary people still fail to realize. There is a double standard problem that needs to be addressed. There is an inequality problem that needs to be addressed. And these are just the elephants in the room. A lot of politicians (mainly Republicans) tend to think that discrimination does not exist, that racism does not exist, that classism does not exists, that inequality toward women does not exist, that there are revanchist men and women who would love to bring it back to the “good ol’ days”. I am here to tell you, JIM CROW AIN’T DEAD!!! He is very much alive and well, and he is side by side with a sitting President who could care less about race relations in this country, but he wants to “Make America Great Again”? My question is has America been great for people of color? Has America been great for women? Has America been great for immigrants?

If your answer is yes, then you really don’t have an inkling on what is going on in this country, and you need to get yourself educated. Ignorance IS NOT BLISS, and if you stand on the sideline and allow this to continue, then you are also part of the problem.

The Avenue of Identity

Let’s be real for a moment: We are all searching for our identity. Oftentimes we identify ourselves based on the things we see, the experiences we have. Sometimes we identify ourselves by the people we associate with, the people that influence us. It has been said that our identities are a large part of who we are. But what happens when there is a struggle with trying to identify who you are? What happens when you struggle with what you are trying to become? Walk down this avenue with me.

For the vast majority of us an ID card is the most basic form of identification. It shows a picture as well as three parts of biological data, and one or two parts of demographical data. We are identified as either black, white, or any other nationality for that matter. We are identified as male, female, or the gender we most closely identify with. We are also identified by our political affiliation, our belief/value systems, and host of other things that Identify us. The things that identify WHO we are appears infinite, but, it is not. WHO we are is an important factor in our identity. Just as, if not more important in this identity equation is WHAT we are.

If you were to ask me who I am, I would kindly give you name. Upon further conversation you may end up knowing what my political standing would be, as well as my belief/value systems, and/or my stance on issues that affect me as a human being. You may also learn that I am a veteran. The conversations may vary, but the gist of the conversation will pretty much tell people WHO I am. Each answer speaks to the WHO. The WHO is important, because all those things that I mentioned are WHO we are.

WHAT we are however, is an entirely different thing altogether, and that is a question most of us cannot answer, and if we do answer it, the answer is out of context. Why do I say out of context? Because the answer would still speak to the WHO aspect, which is the DESCRIPTION of we are. The WHAT is the ASSERTATION, meaning the declaration. The what has some descriptiveness to it, but it is a stronger descriptiveness. To answer the WHAT, I can say things like: I am a child of God, I am a human being, I am a husband, A father, a son, a brother, and so on. Those are assertations They speak much more strongly than the WHO, which only just describes us. A lot of us have difficulty in this aspect, as it is hard for us to declare what we are.

Identity is also tied to two very important aspects: What we think of ourselves internally, and externally (meaning how we see ourselves from inside and outside), and who establishes our identity. To address the former first. Our identities are based upon whom we’ve been influenced by. Whether it be a father, mother, brother, son, daughter, and the like. Who speaks to and into us plays a HUGE part in the establishing of our identity. Some people believe that our identities are static. This is not entirely true. Certain core parts (Male/Female, Race, etc…) of our identity do not change, but who we are influenced by changes, thus shaping our identities. How we view ourselves also helps to shape our identities, as feelings of inclusiveness, or reclusiveness are powerful shapers of identity. Our religious beliefs play a major part in this as they pave the road to our belief/value systems, which also shapes our identity. I think that this part is important to expound upon. It is has been said that having an established identity in Christ is of great import to those that are believers. The main reason this has been said is this: Understanding our identity in Christ practically changes the way we live. My take on that is simply this: Pretty much any religion will do that in its most practical and basic form, and it largely depends on how strongly one’s convictions are. Speaking of convictions, those play a role in shaping and establishing our identity. Our convictions (ideas, beliefs, positions, stances) shape us, and further establish identity, into either a positive or a negative connotation of who we are. For example, I believe in chivalry (not a religion, a way of treating people, primarily women). I believe in honor. For me, these are strongly held convictions. These have shaped me to where people identify me as a chivalrous man, and a man of honor.

What happens when we lose our identity? The loss of identity has a cumulative effect on the person affected and those that are connected to him/her. How does this happen? This can happen with indoctrination and conditioning techniques/methods that when introduced, can either rewrite or erase the identity of the affected individual. Dissociative disorders also affect an individual’s identity, making it difficult to find our sense of self, or in some cases finding one’s “true self”. Struggles with finding one’s identity can also have severe impacts. Depression and anxiety are very prevalent in those that struggle with this. Also, a myriad of health problems can occur if it is not properly addressed. For those that suffer from these afflictions, the effects can be long lasting and very damaging. Issues of power, value systems and ideology have varying degrees of effect in establishing and cultivating one’s identity. Negative connotations in either of these can have calamitous affects.

There is a myriad of ways that a person’s identity can be established, and this was just touching the surface. But at the fundamental and basic level, identity can be defined as WHO you are (the description), and WHAT you are (the assertation/declaration). It is important to know both, as they constantly mesh within each other, they don’t fight for supremacy or control (the WHO cannot override the WHAT and vice versa), but they work in concert with each other to help not only individually but collectively. It is of import to know that there is no one factor, but several factors that determines or establishes an identity, and that there are systems out there (conditioning, indoctrination) that are meant to reverse that sense of self and replace it with something entirely different, and possibly destructive. Dissociative disorders can also affect identity as well. And looking for the warning signs is of paramount import for those that care about the affected individual. The journey is about finding oneself and in most, if not all cases, that is a singular journey.

The avenue of Identity is one of the more difficult roads that we as human beings travel. It is also an ever evolving process. This is one avenue we all walk down. With vary degrees of success and/or failure, but with the same purpose: To find out WHO and WHAT we are.

The Avenue Of Rememberance

For most of us, remembrance can and will always be a double edged sword. There are valid reasons for me saying this. Because remembrance will ALWAYS bring things to you that will force to think about your life and more importantly, your station in it, and what you need to do to improve your life. Unfortunately for a lot of us, remembrance always involves pain. Luckily, pain translates into growth……here is my journey down this avenue.

I never knew my maternal, nor paternal grandfathers. I do however have a vivid memory of the man my father’s mom had married. His name was Lawrence Snead, people that kew him called him ‘Pops’. He was a very vivacious person who got along well with people, and very well respected in the baseball community as a man who could make the sorriest kid on the team a stud. Over the years I had the honor and privelege of knowing this man, and at one point admiring him. I knew him to be a very stern, but fair man. A man that loved his children, grandchildren, and the kids he coached on the baseball field. He showed compassion for me and brother away from the baseball, but was a ruthless competitor as a coach to us on it.

Sadly alcholism, and my own actions drove a wedge between us. To the point he never really forgave me for the actions I had committed against him. I never should have said that I hated him, or anything else I said. I never should tried to get in a physical confrontation with him. This angered my father, and my paternal grandmother. Sadly, old wounds fester and stay open for as long as people decide to keep those wounds open, and dwell on what happened, and what could have been prevented. My grandfather passed several years prior (if i remember correctly the year of my marrige), and I still had not forgiven myself for not saying “I’m Sorry” to him. I had carried that weight on me for a while. Living with the fact that I had once again burned a bridge.

It’s funny how God has a way of bringing certain incidents back into the forefront in order for us to learn a lesson, or to see something differently, or even to apply certain things to our lives. I am just a little preturbed that for me it always takes a loss for me to see this.
I have seen and learned so much from the time I was able to spend with my grandfather, and those who have transitioned and every once in a while, I will do something boneheaded and stupid, God and those whom have transitioned before me will give me correction and guidance. the one thing that I think that people forget about this process is that rememberance gives us the opportunity to grow and learn from those who have walked before us. Rememberance lays down the path of increased awareness toward the situations which we are faced within our day to day living. Rememberance is painful becasue it bring up past hurts, and it exposes us to ours truths, and exposure to truth is always a good thing.

To walk down the avenue of remembrance is often times a painful journey, but it can also be a very insightful for the person journeying (like me), as well as promoting healing, and understanding.